Community

This lesson is one that I’ve been learning for some time, but I want a somewhat comprehensive reflection about it written somewhere, so here I write.

I think it was only when God brought me to a particular point in my spiritual journey with him, a point at which I could sit there and say “LORD, I am actually deeply and utterly satisfied in You” that I could experience such a dissatisfaction about community. When I am not one whe Spirit, and walking with him intimately, I find myself rather desensitized from my soul’s need for him and for spiritual community. Being desensitized to dissatisfaction actually sounds pretty good, like “ignorance is bliss.” The horrible/wonderful thing about knowing the God of the universe is that his sovereignty coupled with love means that there is full potential for my complete and deep satisfaction with life, with him. This means that knowledge of my periodic desensitization to dissatisfaction yields not bliss, but rather even more discontent.

So Jesus struck me with this understanding, that when I am in a posture of deep satisfaction in him, that I would become restless. Because if there is real satisfaction, real joy in my being, I cannot bear to be joyful and satisfied in stillness. For the first time, the Way-I-Was-Designed cried out to me, saying that my joy needed to go someplace outside of myself. For the first time, the Way-I-Was-Designed told me that I should be deeply satisfied with the community I had surrounding me, because in very few of the relationships I had, did I know that there was an understanding of of course I am committed to your soul, of course I know you - of course you know me, and of course you are committed to me as well.

And for a while I wrestled with this: If I can say that I am wholly satisfied with my God in every arena of my life, is it appropriate for me to be so discontent about my spiritual community? He told me, it is right to be dissatisfied at this point, because I was created very much intentionally, with a pocket of space to experience the Spirit with and through others, a channel through which testimony and confession and praying with the laying of hands (just cause I love to lay hands) should flow freely. I guess I’m realizing my hunger for every part of my Father’s divine design of me to be manifested outwardly and consistently. Anything outside of that, and I’ll be not satisfied.

I think I’m an introvert, in that I love spending time in solitude. (Esther psycho-analyzed me here.) In my comfort in being alone, I have rarely pursued a relationship with another person (besides romantically). As a result, a majority of my relationships were birthed out of proximity or convenience or luck, never out of a loving pursuit on my end. Some of these relationships, by God’s grace over me, have blossomed to become meaningful, but I can’t be credited for the joys I’m reaping in these relationships. I believe the Lord is discipling me into a lifestyle of more intentionality with people. Putting myself out there and pursuing others whom I admire without assuming they’d not like to grow in relationship with me. Because ultimately, our relationship should flow confession and testimony and prayer with the laying of hands, and the Spirit should be seen and exalted in that.

But if anything, I’m learning. Jesus had his Twelve. King David had his Three. I’ll learn to pour into and receive from those he’s growing me in relationship with more as of now, and continue in this battle against myself, to remain deeply rooted in him, because I am so prone to grumble and be lazy and forget.

Sunday Nov 11 @ 03:29pm
2 notes

  1. shelajeong posted this


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